September 29, 2014

My hulking heart is beating loud. It’s pushing, push-ing the blood to my outer extremities with a thump, thump. My veins are pushing, push-ing against my skin, and I’m growing. I think I’m growing. I think I’m changing. Again. I’m pushing, push-ing the boundaries, but I’m trying not to. I swear I’m trying to contain the stretch-ing.

Shut up. I give up. I’m not containing it. I’m not stopping it. I guess I am pushing, push-ing you away. But it is your fault for not hearing the beating of my hulking heart even though it is so loud. Get out before I suffocate you. Leave before I want to tear you apart. My hulking heart is beating. It’s pushing, push-ing. Thump, thump.

September 29, 2014
"How odd, I can have all this inside me
and to you it’s just words."

— David Foster Wallace , The Pale King

(Source: wordsnquotes, via thatkindofwoman)

September 29, 2014

(Source: hitrecord)

September 28, 2014
"I wish, as well as everybody else, to be perfectly happy; but, like everybody else, it must be in my own way."

Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

(via wordsnquotes)

September 26, 2014

(Source: comejoinhitrecord)

September 26, 2014
The Anxiety to Create.

It’s like a child inside you holding her breath – her cheeks full, her eyes panicked, but determined, her face a mottled blue-red. You must create something before she passes out. You’re afraid, so afraid that you can’t do it. Not again. Not this time. But then – Ah! – the created thing is done. The child within you let’s out her breath. You did it. You created.

 And the child takes another deep breath. She’s holding her breath for the next created thing.

September 25, 2014

(Source: jewlzz23, via pbsarts)

September 25, 2014
"When he talked, it sounded like his voice was falling down a flight of stairs. Tripping, and tumbling, and stopping - ever so briefly - only to then keep barreling forward."

September 24, 2014

(Source: hullocolin, via huffpostarts)

September 24, 2014

I told you.

I told you so.

I told you so many times.

You should have heard me.

September 23, 2014
"Just because I’m lined up against the wall doesn’t mean that I want to get shot."

September 22, 2014

(Source: nevermindthedrawings)

September 22, 2014
"The idea of villain vs. hero is too simplistic. It’s not the truth. The truth is, little by little I can be the villain. Little by little you can be the villain. The truth is maybe we’re all heroes too – a little bit, but not all at once, and never all together."

September 20, 2014

(Source: hitrecord)

September 20, 2014
Summer is Four White Walls and Air Conditioning (Part 6, Finale)

Darling Academia,

From the first moment that you let me hide in your library to avoid the embarrassment of sitting alone at lunch hour, I knew we were kindred spirits. I had a crush on you all through high school, but university is where I fell in love. You let me be something different than everyone else let me be. You let me explore and expand in so many directions. You gave me purpose, self-worth, an identity. I was secure within your walls as your student. No one expected me to have it all figured out; I was free to be a work in progress with you.  I liked that.

You brought professors into my life that changed my perspectives. Women and men who were looking through cleaner windows than I was. Women and men who knew how to describe all they could see from their windows in a way that I could know. I love you for that. You surrounded me with friends who had eager minds and soft hearts. As classmates we loved each other for all we had in common and for all that was very different.

As it is with all great love stories, I began to plan a future where we would never have to be apart. I shared this plan with everyone, hoping that would make it real. It wasn’t until our last year together that I began to have doubts about our relationship. The day of convocation, after all my family and friends were gone, I just sat alone in my living room for hours trying to absorb the change. I tried to understand what this loss would be like for me.

My love for you is probably why I jumped at the opportunity to be a summer TA. I didn’t want the love story to end. I didn’t want to go back into the world where everyone decided who I was before I had a chance to tell them. In the end, you broke up with me gently, softly. You made it seem like it was my idea. Thank you for doing that.

I don’t miss you. I thought I would, but I don’t. It is time for me to find a new space. I need to learn to trust myself outside of your structure. I love you. I will always love you. I just don’t need you anymore.

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